First Class
by Ellen Koivisto
On an airplane, in first class.
CHARACTERS:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
FEMALE PASSENGER
PIG — perhaps human looking?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Welcome aboard. Your ticket, please. Seat 4A, here you are. Would you like me to stow that for you?
FEMALE PASSENGER
No, thank you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Do you have anything you wish secured in the suit compartment? A guaranteed, Green, steam pressing is also available if you have pressing business scheduled for the minute you disembark.
FEMALE PASSENGER
No, thank you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Any jewelry, gems, or electronics you’d like locked up in our eight kiloton explosion proof, water tight, scrambled code, tracking device equipped safe?
FEMALE PASSENGER
No, thank you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
We have approximately eight minutes thirty-five seconds before we begin taxiing toward the runway and another fifteen minutes six seconds in queue before take-off. Perhaps you’d like to use the phone to make some last minute arrangements at your destination?
FEMALE PASSENGER
But, everything’s already planned out. That’s what they said. They said there’ll be a driver, and I have a room at a hotel already and —
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
What about an escort?
FEMALE PASSENGER
What?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
There is a special video file stored on the fold down laptop on the seatback of the seat in front of you. In that file, labeled Good Times and highlighted in pink, you will find pictures, phone numbers, vital statistics, and some audio and video clips of escorts available at your destination, all recommended by previous first class passengers.
FEMALE PASSENGER
No, thank you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Complimentary bottle of Chateau Cordon Brunsdul Cort de Gal Neuf Blanc Champagne? It’s a 1928.
FEMALE PASSENGER
Oh, champagne. Oh, but I don’t think I better have any. Thank you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Allergic?
FEMALE PASSENGER
No. Can someone be allergic….? No, thank you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
In that case, my name is ____________. Just remember, ___________. If you need anything, press your right index finger into the armrest with slightly increased force, and I’ll come running. And, once again, welcome aboard.
(FLIGHT ATTENDANT exits.)
FEMALE PASSENGER
(to PIG)
Boy. I didn’t know first class would be like this. Boy. I was listening to the radio, and my favorite DJ on my favorite station all of the sudden started saying to call in, and so I did, and they answered, and they asked me what my favorite radio station is, and I told them, and then they started yelling and said I’d just won this vacation, with a hotel reservation and a limousine ride to drive me to the airport, and a first class round trip ticket. Boy. I’ve never even seen first class before. I’m just a receptionist at an orthodontist’s office. Boy. First class. What do you do?
PIG
I’m a pig.
FEMALE PASSENGER
A big . . . ?
PIG
A pig.
FEMALE PASSENGER
Oh. What’s that? Is it something to do with computers, or finance, or something?
PIG
No. (snorts)
FEMALE PASSENGER
(pushing call button)
Oh. That’s nice.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(entering)
Yes? What is it? How may I help you?
FEMALE PASSENGER
Is he — ? Is that really — ? Is he crazy?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Him? That’s just a pig. Never mind him. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
FEMALE PASSENGER
Do you always get pigs on . . . ?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Yes, yes, of course. Tons! Some of the other attendants in business and cargo class even call first class “the Pig Pen” but that’s just because they’re jealous.
(turns to PIG)
Souee! Souee!
(throws food to PIG which he gobbles and snorts over)
Really, this is such a rewarding job some days. Would you like some food, too, an appetiser perhaps? Caviar? Lark’s tongues in aspic? A slice of gold leaf covered rum cake?
FEMALE PASSENGER
Ah, ah, no, no thanks.
(FLIGHT ATTENDANT exits.)
FEMALE PASSENGER
So. So. You’re a pig, Mr. . .
PIG
Just call me pig.
FEMALE PASSENGER
Pig.
PIG
(grunts)
Pig.
FEMALE PASSENGER
Mr. Pig?
PIG
No, just pig, you goddamn slop for brains, pathetic excuse for a flea-male!
FEMALE PASSENGER
Excuse me?
PIG
Why do women have less brains than chickens? Because hair takes up more room than feathers! (laughs) If I ever met a flea-male with half an ounce of common sense, I’d die of a coronary.
FEMALE PASSENGER
I . . . . There’s no reason to be insulting.
PIG
Insulting? I’ll tell you what’s insulting — you hens wandering around without keepers, that’s what’s insulting. “Kinder, Kutch,” and whatever. In the kitchen, seen and not heard.
FEMALE PASSENGER
That’s about children.
PIG
It’s about anyone with baby brains. Baby brains, baby brains. Flea-male. God, what an eyesore. You don’t even make the looking worthwhile.
FEMALE PASSENGER
You, you pig!
PIG
Better believe it, Femi-Nazi witch!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(entering)
Yes, yes, can I get you something? A down comforter if you’re chilled? A little Indian boy to fan you if you’re heated? Or maybe I should call in Maurice, the Masseuse? Or is the pig bothering you?
(to PIG)
Souee! Souee!
(throws PIG food, which he eats.)
Would you like a relaxing back rub, or a dip in our hot tub?
FEMALE PASSENGER
No! No, nothing. Thank you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
I’m here to serve. Please don’t hesitate to call me for the least whim, or the faintest stirrings of desire.
(to PIG)
Souee!
(throws PIG food, exits.)
PIG
Oh, the die-away airs of low-class poseurs. ”No, nothing. Thank you.” When hungry, you order comestibles … if you can. But a menu’s a mystery to the illiterate.
FEMALE PASSENGER
But … (rising) I can read.
PIG
Oh, the plebeians are rising. Don’t expect me to get out of my seat for you.
FEMALE PASSENGER
(sitting)
I wasn’t —
PIG
I only stand for ladies. Not that you’d notice missing social niceties. Is it true your ilk consider MacDonalds and a postprandial stroll in the mall the epitome of elegance?
FEMALE PASSENGER
I never go to MacDonalds. Almost never.
PIG
You don’t belong here. I’m sure your ticket says stowage.
FEMALE PASSENGER
It does not. I have as much right to be here as you.
PIG
Oh? I suppose you believe in the Tooth Fairy as well? You have no rights, none at all, my dear peon. All rights and privileges are reserved to me and my kind.
FEMALE PASSENGER
That’s not true. Who made you ruler of the world?
PIG
My poor dear peasant, who did it isn’t important. I do rule the world. As it was, as it is, as it always will be.
FEMALE PASSENGER
That’s not true, that’s not — You swine, you.
PIG
Don’t use words you don’t understand, peasant.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(entering)
For entertainment, I can offer you a choice of three movies, all of which won’t have theatrical releases until next month. One is by Spielberg, the second is an edgy number adapted from a Hemingway short story, and the third is a newly discovered Orson Welles masterpiece. I also have secret videos from the Oval Office, the Congressional Cloak Room, and the Capital Hill subway. Or I could call out our male lap gogo dancing squad —
FEMALE PASSENGER
No, no, thank you, no.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Souee!
(throws food to PIG)
Remember —
FEMALE PASSENGER
I know.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Goodie.
(exits)
PIG
I’ll buy that seat from you for twenty dollars. OK, thirty dollars. Come on, sweetie. You don’t need it. What? You’re too good to make a deal? Everyone has a price. I’m doing you a favor, standing’s good exercise. What about it? Fifty dollars?
FEMALE PASSENGER
I’m not selling my chair.
PIG
You’ll regret it.
FEMALE PASSENGER
No, I won’t.
PIG
Hey, no skin off my teeth. All I gotta do is call the flight attendant and buy it from her, and you’ll be standing there anyhow and with no profit.
FEMALE PASSENGER
You can’t do that! That’s illegal.
PIG
Illegal? Hey, that’s funny. Illegal! What about your pillow? Five dollars?
FEMALE PASSENGER
No.
PIG
Come on, baby. You’re not using it, and this way we both make some moola. OK, tell you what, twenty dollars for your air.
FEMALE PASSENGER
My what?
PIG
Air, air, you know, this stuff. (waves hands) No? OK, I know, sixty dollars.
FEMALE PASSENGER
No! You, you capitalist pig.
PIG
Am I supposed to be ashamed?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(entering)
A rosewater manicure, or a pedicure with frankincense and myrrh are both available by request. A full salon facial, an acupressure treatment, access to the captain’s exercise room including the lap pool — what can I do for you?
FEMALE PASSENGER
I’m sorry, I accidentally keep pressing —
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(to PIG)
Soueee!
(throws food to PIG, then to FEMALE PASSENGER)
Popcorn, perhaps, to stave off PM puckishness? Kettle corn? Candied corn? Corn from exotic cobs?
FEMALE PASSENGER
Nothing. Thank you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Souee!
(throws food to PIG, exits)
(PIG is snorting, grunting, farting, belching.)
FEMALE PASSENGER
Stop that.
PIG
(burps)
What’sa matta, lady?
(farts)
FEMALE PASSENGER
Stop that, you pig.
PIG
(laughs, picks nose, wipes it on clothes)
Yeah, I’m a pig, all right. So why don’t you come over here and eat me.
FEMALE PASSENGER
That’s disgusting.
PIG
Eat me, baby. Come on over and have a sausage. Let me show you my big, salty ham.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(entering)
Music, maybe? A string quartet, a soul duet, an old blues road warrior for your listening pleasure?
FEMALE PASSENGER
I’d like an apple. Please.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
You want an apple? You want something? An apple? Willingly! Gladly! Be still my heart! Is that all? Served on an Irish linen serviette? A crystal bowl to hold your treat? A decanter of fresh pomegranate juice to wash it down?
FEMALE PASSENGER
No, thank you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Or a dessert? Whipped green tea gelato on a chocolate mousse made from virgin goat cream and Alaskan chocolate?
FEMALE PASSENGER
No! No, nothing else. Thank you. Just an apple. Please. Hurry.
(FLIGHT ATTENDANT exits)
PIG
What’s the rush, fatso? You’ll get stuck in your seat, porking out the whole trip. Oink, oink. Gotta watch the waistline, like me, if you want a long life. Or get your jaws wired shut, and the stomach operation.
(FLIGHT ATTENDANT runs in with an apple.)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Here’s your —
FEMALE PASSENGER
(grabbing apple)
Good.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
I have a lovely —
FEMALE PASSENGER
Just the apple.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
And the pilot asked me to mention —
FEMALE PASSENGER
No.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
There is —
FEMALE PASSENGER
Just. The. Apple. Thank you.
(FLIGHT ATTENDANT exits. PIG opens his mouth. FEMALE PASSENGER stuffs the apple in it. Pause. FEMALE PASSENGER presses armrest. FLIGHT ATTENDANT enters.)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
How can I help you?
FEMALE PASSENGER
That complementary bottle of champagne? You did say it was complementary. It’s part of my ticket. My radio station paid for it and I want some, now, right now.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Coming right away. Souee!
(FEMALE PASSENGER opens her mouth in surprise, FLIGHT ATTENDANT throws food into it and exits. PIG is chomping away, no hands, at the apple.)
Ellen Koivisto
First Class by Ellen Koivisto first appeared in Issue 1 of Bare Fiction Magazine (December 2013). First Class had a staged reading at Playground, directed by Katja Rivera, and was a finalist in the Manhattan Theatre Source Estrogenius Festival.